What Is Gaslighting? Examples and Tips for Seeking Help
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What Is Gaslighting?
Gaslighting is defined as the “psychological manipulation of a person usually over an extended period that causes the victim to question the validity of their own thoughts, perception of reality, or memories and typically leads to confusion, loss of confidence and self-esteem, the uncertainty of one's emotional or mental stability, and a dependency on the perpetrator.”
A widely held belief is that gaslighting is a toxic behaviour unique to narcissists, but the truth is anyone is capable of it. Anyone equals your parents, lover, friends, kids, neighbours, coworkers, boss, or even you.
“This term is used in the 1944 Ingrid Bergman film Gaslight, in which a husband purposefully drives his wife insane by flickering lights, making noises in the attic, and then claiming the very real experience was all in her head.” — Samantha Rodman.
Learn the Warning Signs: Common Traits of a Gaslighter
A gaslighter might:
— Claim to forget events or statements.
A gaslighter would cause you to second-guess your memory of an event or conversation you shared with them by feigning forgetfulness. They may even deny that it ever happened.
— Accuse you of being the problem.
The primary motive of a gaslighter is to manipulate the victim, causing them to doubt their perception of reality and self and fostering a form of dependency. And one of the ways they implement their evil plan is to outrightly accuse them of being the problem in the relationship.
— Dismiss your feelings.
If you have a friend, partner, coworker, or family who constantly tells you that you are exaggerating or overly sensitive whenever you try to express your emotions until you start to behave cautiously around them, they may be gaslighting you.
— Try to harm your reputation with others.
A gaslighter might make you question your sanity, but they can also make sure that your character becomes questionable to others. They may tell people that you often forget or remember things differently, make up details that never happened due to confusion, or tend to overreact.
— Spread rumours about you or make you think that you are being gossiped about or targeted by others.
A gaslighter will want to spread rumours about you in the guise of being worried about you, and there are several reasons they would do this. One is that they want to create a false image about you so that people can side with them if word about their abuse ever gets out.
Now, a gaslighter might also tell that certain people are speaking or thinking badly of you to get in your head and make you act a certain way. They may do this to separate you from your family or friends, who might observe the effect of their abuse on your personality and provide support. Ultimately, the gaslighter wants to be the only one you trust and depend on and the one others trust for a factual story.
— Never admit their faults or offer an apology.
Someone who gaslights is unlikely to take responsibility for any wrongdoing; instead, they would shun and avoid having conversations about it. When you finally get them to sit and talk, you’ll find them turning the tables by suggesting that you are being sensitive, confused about the details, or diverting the focus of the conversation to your shortcomings or errors when they have nothing to do with the subject matter. Even when a gaslighter is confronted with evidence, they will lie blatantly, stand on their claims or distorted stories, and refuse to apologize. Most times, they’d argue until they wear you down and then start a dumb pep talk about trust or whatever topic they want to try and further manipulate the situation.
Know that not all emotionally abusive people gaslight in a hostile or unpleasant manner; some can use loving words—that don't match their actions—to execute their malicious intent. In our opinion, these people are comfortably seated on the lethal end of the gaslighting spectrum because they are hard to sniff out, and if you are romantically involved with them, difficult to leave or escape.
Keep an Ear Out for These Gaslighting Phrases
Here are examples of phrases you’ll hear a gaslighter say:
1. “Geez, you can’t seem to take a joke.”
2. “You are acting crazy.”
3. “We spoke about this already. Don’t you remember?”
4. “If you would just trust what I tell you.”
5. “That’s not how it happened. You are exaggerating.”
6. “That never happened.”
7. “This is why you don’t have any friends.”
8. “So and so thinks you are overly sensitive too.”
9. “You should have known this was not a good time to talk.”
10. “Why would you think that? What does that say about you?”
11. “Who are they going to believe?”
12. “Can you hear yourself?”
13. “Don’t you think you are blowing things out of proportion?”
14. “I guess I’ll have to repeat myself since you can’t remember.”
15. “If you were paying attention, you’d have heard or seen….”
6 Signs That You Are Self-Gaslighting
We can build relationships with ourselves, just like the ones we share with others. And the relationship we develop with ourselves is arguably the most important one we’ll ever have because we spend time with ourselves more than anyone else.
A healthy self-relationship is characterized by self-awareness, compassion, gratitude, positive affirmations, self-love, acceptance, and more. However, if your relationship with yourself is unhealthy—marked by self-judgment, self-victimization, shame, and other negative emotions—you can also be guilty of self-gaslighting.
How can you tell that you are self-gaslighting? Here are a few tell-tale signs you should pay attention to:
- You don’t trust your judgment.
- You invalidate your feelings.
- You don’t allow room for vulnerability.
- You seek to criticize and shame yourself for every single action.
- You try to justify people’s bad behaviours.
- You constantly second-guess yourself.
6 Ways to Deal with Gaslighting
Once you’ve realized that you are in relationships at work, home, or with yourself where you are being abused and exploited emotionally, you’ll want to learn how to respond and shut it down. If not, the person (or inner voice) who is gaslighting you will continue to exert control over your emotions, mental health, productivity, and right to live unapologetically.
Let’s explore six (6) ways you can deal with gaslighting.
Take some time to process your emotions.
It is a gaslighter’s delight to cause you to experience a rush of strong emotions, from confusion or anger to fear or frustration and, finally, to shame, sadness, submission, or apathy. Because when you are overwhelmed by emotions, you are more likely to behave rashly, which makes it easier for them to continue manipulating you. We suggest you pause when you feel yourself losing control over your emotions and bring your focus back to your truth. Try deep breathing exercises or speak a mantra under your breath. Better still, you can excuse yourself from the conversation to take a stroll, fix a cup of relaxing herbal tea, make a salad bowl, or declutter your wardrobe.
Keep the receipts.
Say you have a lover who constantly gaslights you. One of the best ways to take back control would be to collect evidence of their shady tricks. Record your phone calls, screenshot your texts, and take notes of your interactions in a journal, so you can present them as evidence when they try to get in your head. You may not necessarily have to confront them with evidence, but knowing that you have proof of their lies can help boost your confidence in your judgment. They’ll be forced to back down when they notice they’ve lost their power to control your perception of reality.
Call them out.
No better way to deal with gaslighting than letting a gaslighter know that you are aware of their tactics and won’t stand for it. When they make insulting jokes, backhanded compliments, or derogatory statements, you shouldn’t laugh with them, fake a smile, or suppress your displeasure. Instead, you should ask them what’s so funny about their jokes that no one else but them finds funny and let them know you don’t appreciate their ‘compliments’. One hard truth is that you may struggle with keeping a gaslighter in check if you don’t have set boundaries. So, we advise that you create healthy boundaries and prepare yourself for the consequences that may follow from enforcing them so that you don’t waiver.
Tip: Keep your responses simple, speak with an assertive tone, and avoid being dragged into an exhausting argument. If not, you may leave the conservation feeling confused and frustrated or possibly questioning if you are dramatic or overly sensitive.
Believe firmly in yourself.
As we previously said, a gaslighter can lead you to second-guess your memory of an event or conversation and doubt your perception of reality by acting forgetful, denying or twisting the details in their favour, or accusing you of remembering things differently. Well, a gaslighter can lose their power if you stand firmly on what you believe to be the version of the story. Girl, don’t question yourself! You remember correctly, and your version doesn’t have to be the same as theirs to be accurate. Say: “I know what I saw or heard,” “You’ve said your truth, let me tell mine,” or “I’m not stupid. I remember everything.” Relate your account of the event or conversation confidently and calmly. Tender the receipts (proof!), and once they feel backed into a corner by your confidence and assertiveness, they are likely to create an argument as a diversion strategy. Don’t give in! Remember that you have the exclusive right to remove yourself from any place or discontinue conversations that threaten your perception. And if you are guilty of self-gaslighting, you’ll want to learn to trust your gut feeling and build confidence in your ability to take the right actions and learn from your mistakes.
Seek professional help.
It is not uncommon for people who experience abuse, be it physical or emotional, to withdraw from others and suppress their feelings out of shame, fear, distrust, or emotional exhaustion. But shutting down their capacity to be vulnerable only works to deepen their trauma and slow their healing process. We invite you to seek professional help if you have been interacting with a gaslighter or self-gaslighting for a long time and are battling the impact of their emotional abuse but find it anxiety-inducing to open up to your friends and family. Speaking to a licensed therapist, you’ll be able to unearth your trauma, dissolve your negative thought loops, and take back control of your mind.
If you wish to seek professional help and don’t know where or how to begin, please see Therapy For Black Girls or go to Innopysch or the Canadian Counseling and Psychotherapy Association’s official website to locate (or virtual meet) therapists of colour in your area. And if you need any financial assistance for seeking therapy, please see The Loveland Foundation.
Focus on taking care of YOU.
Indulging in self-care rituals that promote relaxation, mindfulness, healthy nutrition, and overall wellness can help boost your physical health and better your state of mind. So you will feel empowered to handle your emotions, manage the stress that may come from being gaslighted, and choose people and things that allow you to be happy.
Here are some simple self-care practices you can try:
- Practice positive affirmations daily
- Swap unhealthy snacks and drinks for healthy ones
- Spend quality time with your favourite hobbies or pick up new ones
- Start a journal for reflection, gratitude, and manifestation
- Try mindfulness meditation, yoga, tai chi, or pilates
- Spend time outside in nature
- Increase your physical activity level
- Get enough sleep; Aim for 7 to 8 hours of beauty sleep every day
- Do a digital detox every week, biweekly, or monthly
- Spend time with friends and family who love and care for you
“Let us not get scooped up by gaslighting manipulators stealing our emotions and taking possession of our inner child to carry out their dark agenda. Let the light of our intuition guide us subtly and wisely along the path of trust and suspicion.” — Erik Pevernagie.