Self-Victimization vs. Accountability: How to Stop Being a Victim
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What is Self-Victimization?
For clarity and impact, let’s refer to self-victimization as the victim mentality or poor me stance. So, the poor me stance is the mindset or an acquired personality trait where a person feels oppressed, cheated, helpless, insecure, hopeless, or ashamed. However, it's not because they are victims in the actual sense.
People with the victim mentality have a strong external locus of control, which means they believe their successes or failures are not in their control but determined by external factors such as luck, fate, chance, connections, or people in authority.
When someone with a victim mentality experiences failure, they will harbour negative feelings and allow them to influence their ability to make decisions, think rationally, solve problems, have fun, and express self-compassion to themselves and others.
People with the victim mentality often seek a protector or liberator who would give them attention or show them sympathy, thereby validating and sustaining their negative sentiments. They despise it when someone tries to tell them that they are responsible for the person they have become, their current situation, or their behaviours.
Even if they were told that despite their current circumstance being the consequence of someone else's actions, they are ultimately responsible for their success and happiness, a person who takes the poor me stance would not be able to handle it. The truth is, they HATE accountability.
Anyone who has a victim mentality may also suffer from a martyr complex, which means they live their life to please others at the expense of themselves. They may devote their lives to supporting others out of fear of being alone or because they would rather rely on the happiness of others than pursue their own happiness. In the end, if things don't go their way, they could become resentful, bitter, and blame others.
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7 Signs You Have A Victim Mentality
You may still be unsure if you have the victim mentality and are thinking, “How do I know if I have a victim mentality?”
Let’s look at some cues or signs that you have a victim mentality.
You ignore or deny your problems. The primary reason why people tend to adopt the victim mentality is that they want to avoid coming out of their comfort zone to take responsibility for their problems. So, they may ignore or deny that their problems exist.
You wait for others to tell you what to do. It’s not because they are wiser or more experienced than you are, but you are looking to blame them if things go wrong. For someone with a victim mentality, delegating their power to take control over their life to someone else is the best way to avoid accountability.
You think the world is out to get you. This mindset would also have you believe that others who seem to be doing better than you have life easy.
You often distort all your problems into big ones.
You downplay your wins or positive experiences.
You engage in negative self-talk.
You point fingers.
How to Stop Being a Victim?
While people who practice self-victimization have an external locus of control, people who try to muster as much accountability as they can have an internal locus of control. They believe that their successes and failures are a product of their actions.
Those who take the accountable stance are aware of and honest about their thoughts and emotions, and they are more likely to grow. They also build better relationships and lead happier lives.
If you wish to stop being a victim, I invite you to practice taking personal responsibility for your mistakes, success, and happiness. The change won’t happen overnight, it will take the willingness to get rid of negative patterns, patience, and consistency.
Use the following recommendations to aid your progress:
Reach out to a mental health professional
Practice mindfulness, so you can catch yourself when you start to think negatively.
Ask your trusted family and friends for help. They can help keep you accountable.
“The victim mentality will have you dancing with the devil, then complaining that you’re in hell.” - Steve Maraboli