Self-Compassion vs. Cultural Values: What You Need to Know
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What is Self-Compassion?
Self-compassion refers to one’s ability to recognize their pain and suffering, understand their imperfections, inadequacies, and failures with a non-judgemental attitude, and express kindness, care, and patience towards oneself.
Self-compassion is a healthy attitude of acknowledging one's personal experience as a part of the typical human experience, so they don’t over-identify with pain and failure more than they would with love and success.
Self-Compassion vs. Cultural Values: What’s the Connection?
Our cultural values influence us in more ways than one. They influence how we view ourselves, interact with people, make choices, and affect our perception and expression of self-compassion. Here are two critical elements of Black cultural values that contribute to our experience of self-compassion.
Racial Identity
There’s evidence that Black people experience discrimination, marginalization, and prejudice more than any other racial group. The impact of this ever-present and growing intensity of racism is quite damaging to our mental health.
Dr. Camara Phyllis Jones, family physician, epidemiologist, and anti-racism activist, put forth a theory in 2000 explaining the three levels of damage caused by racism.
The first level is institutionalized racism, where systems of power create unfair policies and make it difficult to access the resources (e.g., housing, employment, healthcare, education, etc.) and opportunities easily acquired by the dominant race.
The second level is personally-mediated racism or prejudice and discrimination, where the minority group suffers disrespectful remarks and behaviors from members of the dominant group.
The third level, overlooked yet partly responsible for self-love deficiency in Black people, is internalized racism. It happens when members of the minority group begin to accept and identify with prejudicial beliefs and racial stereotypes about themselves that are pedaled by the dominant group.
Internalized racism is positively associated with self-criticism, self-doubt, self-devaluation, self-gaslighting, and self-hatred. It may cause individuals in a minority group to believe they are worth less than others and have to work till their back breaks, put up a strong front, or change something about themselves to match up.
Social Roles
Black women are often portrayed as strong, near-perfect heroes born to protect, uphold and nurture others without expecting anything in return. And so, we react instinctively by doing our best to live up to society's ideal woman standard, fearing that we will be judged harshly and forced to cover our faces in shame if we fall short.
We accept the abuse that society perpetuates in our homes and workplaces, develop an unhealthy bond with our abusers, and live a life focused on core shame. A classic example of trauma bonding!
Picture being raised by a mother who learned from her mother — and personal experiences influenced by the transferred mindset — that her place and value are determined by what she does and doesn’t do. Sadly, this is the case for many Black women who struggle to practice self-compassion.
Why Does Self-Compassion Matter?
Some people may perceive self-compassion as an excuse to be selfish, complacent, passive, or irresponsible, or think it leads to narcissism. But, the idea behind self-compassion is to observe one’s pain and failures without shame or blame and use the lessons learned to improve one’s thinking and actions.
Self-compassion has everything to do with the relationship we form with our body, mind, soul, and the people in our lives. When we allow ourselves to express self-compassion, we foster the development of a great sense of pride, self, and being.
That’s not all!
Showing love and kindness to yourself can help lower the intensity of your suffering and your risk of stress-related health problems.
According to one study, people who express self-compassion develop a higher sense of authenticity than those who don’t. The researchers found that more than self-esteem, self-compassion promotes authenticity by reducing the fear of negative evaluation and heightening feelings of optimism. They concluded that self-compassion may help improve the mental health experiences of people in the Black community.
In an intervention-based study, Black people who participated in a compassion-based group for 6-weeks reported a greater reduction in self-criticism, rumination, and feelings of shame and depression than those who participated in a support group for an equal length of time.
“I found in my research that the biggest reason people aren’t more self-compassionate is that they are afraid they’ll become self-indulgent. They believe self-criticism is what keeps them in line. Most people have gotten it wrong because our culture says being hard on yourself is the way to be.”
— Kristin Neff
What Is Your Self-Compassion Level?
According to Kristin D. Neff, one of the world’s leading experts on self-compassion, you can evaluate your level of self-compassion by reviewing your life based on three interacting elements, namely:
Self-kindness vs. Self-judgment
Common humanity vs. Isolation
Mindfulness vs. Over-identification
Self-kindness involves showing kindness towards oneself instead of resorting to self-judgment.
Common humanity is the orientation of the mind to consider one’s experience as part of the common human experience and seek help from others in times of distress instead of resorting to isolation.
Mindfulness is the practice of experiencing and acknowledging one’s pain and struggles in balanced awareness rather than over-identifying with them.
On a scale of 1 (almost never) to 5 (almost always), answer this mini-questionnaire:
I am more kind to others than I am to myself.
I have difficulty accepting the parts of me that I don’t like.
I am tolerant of my flaws and inadequacies.
I withdraw from others when I fail at something.
When something painful happens to me, I tend to blow the incident out of proportion.
When I think about my inadequacies, I feel more separate and cut off from the rest of the world.
When I’m down and out, I remind myself that other people in the world are feeling like I am.
When I’m going through a difficult time, I give myself the tenderness and care I require.
When I’m feeling down, I tend to feel like most other people are probably happier than I am.
When I’m feeling down, I tend to obsess and fixate on everything that’s wrong.
“If your compassion does not include yourself, it is incomplete.”
— Jack Kornfield